Hi guys.



I know nobody reads this, but I need to do something.



Nothing ever goes right with me. I know there are an unbelievable amount of people that have it so much worse off than me, as I haven't experienced any of that, I need to talk.



I am fourteen years old.



I live in Australia.



I have never had a boyfriend, nor have I kissed anyone.






This usually doesn't bother me.



Moving on, I recently finished middle school, and I'm moving on to year 10 next year.



I have been  in the school I am in now for two years.



I have been with most of the same people for all of this time.
I'm used to them, and I don't really see any of the guys as anything more than friends.



Except one.



Arran is the only guy I have had a crush on for the last year. On and off yes, but he is the only guy.



I am not obsessed with him, I don't act like a blond bimbo whenever I see him, but I really like him.



Recently though, I found out that my friend grace liked him as well.



I wasn't intimidated or anything, but just a bit pissed off, which is obviously completely natural, even though neither of us did anything wrong.



I shrugged it off; we were still friends and everything, I'm not going to let a guy do anything to us.



Today she told me that they were going to the shops together, with a friend.



She told me that she had 'devised a plan' to get rid of this third wheel.



I messaged her on facebook after school. her 'plan' worked. they went alone.



I asked her how it went, being polite and everything.



He kissed her.



Now relating back to the 'this usually doesn't bother me' part.



"Usually" doesn't mean all the time. Today I have felt worse than I have felt for the most of the year. I don't like Arran much, but enough that it hurts. I don't mean to feel like a "depressed teenager" saying they "love" someone a week after they meet, but I really like him.



I don't want to talk to anyone about it though, I don't even know if they're dating or not.



But I know I hate it.



Now I want to do a bit of a "my life is horrible" thing. Please bear with me.






My life overall, is good. I'm smart, I'm reasonably good looking, I have tiny weight issues, but not too much, but the one thing that is absolutely horrible about my life is my self esteem.



It's absolutely horrible. I don't want to talk about my problems, because I think I'm annoying the people who I'm talking to, but I can't just keep it bottled up.



Sometimes I have these "life changing thoughts", like either:



1. "if I act sad, maybe someone will notice some thing's wrong, and I'm not as happy as I come off as"



or



2. "if I forget about it, it'll go away. like cancer"






So like I said, I hate talking to people about it, and I change between my two "life changing thoughts". But nothing ever changes.









So yes. This is all I can think of for the moment, but yeah.



Nice life I have here.